Perhaps the most important tools you will use are the ones you wear on your body. That’s right, the clothing you wear is not only to protect you from injury and the weather, but it will also protect you from ridicule. The spousal repercussions of wearing the wrong clothing while working around the house can be devastating and lifelong. Unless you are comfortable with the anecdote being retold and exaggerated every time your wife gets the opportunity to explain why she calls you “Peek-a-boo,” and you are willing to permanently scar your children’s memories, then always carefully select your clothing for any job.

The Carhartt, Dickies and Cabellas catalogs are jam-packed with all the latest spring job-site trends. These articles are sure to update your wardrobe, while still allowing plenty of room for such time-honored classics as blue/gray cotton onesies, blue denim bib overalls or thick canvas trousers, and thus keeping you from straying into the dreaded “don’t” zone.

Feel free to wear these pieces a bit loose, but don’t get lost in them. It’s important to pay attention to the small details such as showing off just the right amount of “plumbers cleavage” for that professional air without looking cheap.

Tool belts, knee pads, work gloves, safety glasses, hard hats and even comically bright headlamps are great ways to accessorize and maintain that “It Guy” look. Nothing says “Alpha Male” quite like a Trophy Hunters Association ballcap in a nice fluorescent orange to “humble brag” about your hunting skills.

Head-to-toe patterns, particularly digital camos, were once again an important trend on the catwalks this year, which is a look you should never be afraid to invest in as it will never fall out of style – especially when paired with the always classic wife-beater undershirt. The new cuts and wicking fabrics make them way masculine and not at all dated.

Don’t underestimate the power of a good steel-toe work boot. Work boots feel fresher than ever for this spring especially when rendered in stout, shiny cowhide. Redwing hit the right note this year with satin and metallic styles, while Timberland cornered the paratrooper market with its shiny green “101st Airborne” collection.

Don’t wear too many sporty pieces at once or you will look like you are on the way to the gym. Do add just one sporty element – like your letterman jacket or a perforated tank – to give that tradesman look a sporty twist. Utility belts are still as useful as ever but a word to the wise says you should never pair a utility belt with the recently popularized “Dad Bod” style.

With a keen eye towards safety, and healthy dose of common sense, even those on a tight budget can turn heads as well as ratchets when it’s time to fix that household problem.

Next time: Tool box basics. (unless of course I totally decide to write about something else.)

The post Handyman’s Corner Part 2: Safety never goes out of style first appeared on The Bedford Tribune.

Since I’m just the kind of all-American, square-jawed, gritty, self-determined, independent, pull yourself up by your own privileged cis-gendered middle-class male bootstraps guy, when I am informed of any sort of malfunction in one of the household plumbing, electrical, or structural systems, I swing into action with the cool confident smirk of a seasoned riverboat gambler.

And because with great power comes great responsibility, and also because a long time ago I made the rookie mistake of letting virtually anyone in my entire circle of family and friends know that I possess advanced mechanical skills, I’m going to provide for the citizens of Bedford an easy-to-understand guide to the maintenance and repair of a typical suburban house.

If you are currently looking to purchase a typical suburban house, my best advice is DON’T. That is unless you can afford to pay cash up front and hire people to take care of every little thing for you, in which case what the hell are you buying a typical suburban house for anyways with all that cash spilling about? And while you’re at it, would you mind sending some of that sweet one-percenter cash my way “pour favor?” Shockingly, the Bedford Tribune doesn’t pay anywhere near the kind of bank you’d think given such high-caliber writing.

Anyways, if you are reading this, chances are you already fell for that whole, “We will let you pretend you own this house for the next 30 years as long as you send us half your salary each month” deal. And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but despite the fact that the bank still technically owns the house and will send you packing if you so much as think about not paying them, there’s no chance whatsoever of the bank lifting so much as a corporate finger to help you fix anything that happens to go wrong. In other words, you’re on your own Bub. It even said so in writing on one of those thousands of papers you signed but didn’t actually read during Day 3 of the five day closing/loyalty oath/ear tagging/colonoscopy ceremony.

So one option available is to call upon the services of a contractor. Contractors are veteran, well-seasoned professionals who have been specially trained to make you feel and look like a cranky toddler who can’t even properly clean a rifle after a couple shots of vodka. Some of the most common types of contractors are plumbing, electrical, HVAC, roofing and hit men.

Most of the houses in Bedford were built somewhere between 1920 and 1960. Unfortunately as anyone who has seen the 1940s documentary series featuring world renowned filmmakers Larry Fine, Jerome “Curly” Howard and Moses Howard, knows that during that period, the primary concern in household plumbing and electrical systems design was comic effect.

Despite the rumors, I was not yet alive back then, but as far as I’m able to determine based on my house, people in the 1920s had little use for such things as closet space, kitchen space, insulation, electrical outlets, garage space or legal alcohol, which is particularly surprising when you see the hats that everyone wore in public back then . . . on purpose. Also, they must have had enormous bladders and world-class scheduling and coordination skills to house four adults and three children with a single bathroom the size of a postage stamp.

So stay tuned for gobs of incredibly clever and super useful ideas and information designed to inform AND entertain you while simultaneously capturing the attention of the Pulitzer committee.

The post Handyman’s Corner Part 1: Free advice on fixing suburban homes from a self-proclaimed pro first appeared on The Bedford Tribune.